Mormon Porn

So, right off the bat I wanna show you:

When I Googled "mormon porn", I found this. Seems like "Mormons! In! Space!" is about as good a metaphor for Mormon porn as any you'll find.

Have you noticed lately that Mormons are everywhere? They all seem like pretty normal people, all things being equal, which is to say, I'm pretty sure they jack off. And this means they need porn. [1] So, what does the Porn of the Latter-Day Saints look like?
Well, pretty gay, actually. A disproportionate amount of LDS pornography is dudes. Let me be clear. If you search Google, sure: you're going to see a lot of titties because this is the Internet and you will always see a lot of titties.
But I'm talking about real By-Mormons-for-Mormons kind of stuff and as far as I can tell, homoeroticism futures are way up in Utah. I mean I googled "wet mormon pussy" and I still found pictures of dudes kissing on like the second page. "Mormon vagina" returned half-naked dudes as the second and third images! What I'm saying is, these are my kind o' people; I'm thinking of converting and moving to there. So what can their porn tell us about what I have to expect in the Beehive State?

I literally searched "straight mormon porn" and aside form a bunch of malware and ad sites I found this.

It advertises itself thusly:

The wickedly scandalous first-title is an all-male fantasy with a controversial nature, as it follows the exploits of missionaries who explore each other in new and unimagined ways after they're warned to stay away from women for a weekend ... "Latter Day Sinners" chronicles Randy and Ethan, outwardly the sons that all LDS parents dreamed of. Mom left the brothers with some clear instructions for her weekend away: Do their chores make their rounds, but most importantly, NO GIRLS... but mom never said NO GUYS!

Dang. I don't know if the -- wait did that say brothers? Two Mormon brothers are gonna have maximum cuddles with each other? Goddammit. -- Anyway. I don't know if the actors involved are actually Mormon (probably not) but still. Funny. They're working on a sequel.
Moving on.

We have this site, Mormons Exposed which you really should check out. The idea is they've got 12 young men willing to "bare their testimony" (you get to see them with their shirts off). Go the "meet the missionaries" section and click around. This all apparently got its start when the owners of the site made a calendar -- "Men on a Mission" featuring "handsome Mormon men" in "modest poses".

This is exactly the sort of thing I would ask for for Christmas because it's just too great not to own. They also have a similar project featuring "hot Mormon mothers" entitled "Hot Mormon Muffins: a Taste of Motherhood", which I'd also like for Christmas. Let it be noted, however, that the sexy man calendar was the first project. Hm.

 This is a Mormon MILF. A "MMILF"

This is what sexy looks like to Joseph Smith.

Haha just kidding. He was into 14-year-old girls. 

ALTERNATIVELY, couldn't you see Lady Gaga posing exactly like this?

Apparently the LDS church is none too happy with this, too. The guy who started this got excommunicated for it according to this article in JewishJournal.com. (Apparently the Jews keep up with that sort of thing.) He keeps going though, which is commendable.
But also these missionaries get to go to some pretty cool places. This conversion idea is looking good. The mothers don't go anywhere interesting.
Oh! and Mormons Exposed has a store where they sell an Extremely Disconcerting t-shirt what says "I'm my own Uncle". Thought I should mention that.

Finally we've got Mormonboyz.com. Probably my favorite. None of this modest shirtless crap, let's see some cock! Actually, no, most of these guys are pretty funny looking but the plus side is you get to see naughty Mormons in their magic Mormon underwear.

Again, most LDS members aren't too happy about this. They guy who made this site has gotten death threats, which is nice:

"I support free speech in the USA, but you are clearly sick. I imagine God would be pleased if I killed the creator of MBz."

 "You're despicable. Take down the site unless you want to die."

Jesus Christ. Will I get death threats if any Mormon reads my blog? I don't think I have much to worry about. Hope not anyway. I'm sure a someone wants me dead but I do not need a whole damn church after me.

One last thing. For those who don't know, Sean Cody is about as mainstream a name as you're gonna find in gay porn. Big website, lots of money, lots of cocks. Sean Cody is an actual person and a former Mormon. Done and done.

Well, maybe I won't be converting and moving to Utah anytime soon, but I still want to seduce a Mormon at least once in my life, and it's good to know that, if we are to trust their porn, I'll have no trouble at all.



P.S. Also, a lot of pictures of Taylor Lautner came up in my searches. He's not a Mormon as far as I know but Stephenie Meyer sure is. So I guess we know what she's into.



[1] This map from this study shows states' various porn subscription rates. The darker the state, the more people in it subscribe to on-line porn. This doesn't really prove that Utahns necessarily watch more porn than their neighbors, but that less of them realize that paying for porn is for chumps. Or maybe it's a weird moral thing, you know? Like, watching porn's OK but stealing it, well that's a whole 'nother animal there, Brigham Romney.[2]

[2] Mormon names are funny.