Sunday quickie!

Axilla!

"In the armpits...a sweet and melancholy odor emanated from the growth of hair, and in the sweetness of this odor was contained, somehow, the essence of young death."
--Yukio Mishima, everyone's favorite ultra-right-wing Japanese nationalist bisexual author seppuku-commiter, and just generally an odd duck.

Armpits! Not erotic! Except I guess some folks really think they are sexy?
Some people are into shaven armpits, some people are into shaving armpits, some people are even into armpit stubble. Some people really like the smell of armpits. Then there's this:

Alright I had a bunch of things planned out for this blog post but then I found these two things and I think they pretty much sum everything up:

Say this sentence to yourself: "I want you to cum in my armpit so I can scoop up your semen with a spoon".

I found this one bundled with a story. A story about armpits. I really wont to share the whole thing with you (what you can find here); instead I'll just share some highlights. (Formatting and emphasis in original. Bold formatting choices for a bold man (who may not speak English as a first language).)

"Today confronted with loveliest pair of UNDERARMS EXPOSED IN
REGAL SPLENDOR, (right under my nose, lol) ...
Armpit gods have mercy, they stunk to high heaven!!!!!!!!! Egad, well now to get in there and LICK THE STINKY ARMPIT."

Then:

"...the AROMA spelled orange scented dirty gym sock with
somewhat fishy undertones, from a slick sticky raft of matted moist stubble, and still longer stubble..."

And, then the best part:

"Here and then, COCK (deployed in vaginal slam) said "I WANT IN!" and so, two beginners in world of STINKY ARMPIT FUCKING, tried a few different positions in hasty endeavor."

Oh my goodness. I'm pretty sure this was mechanically translated from like, Lower Sorbian or something, but I don't care; "COCK deployed in vaginal slam" is about the best summation of a sex act as I've ever heard. I don't know what it means but it sounds horrible.
I saw a bunch of images like the three up there and I thought "Huh! That's kind of weird!" about armpit fetishists and then I read that little story and I was more like "Oh. That's kind of weird." about armpit fetishists. One person, sweet_southern_girl_07 commented on this lovely story, echoing my own feelings exactly:

P.S. Actually, just one more point. If you're a man who's into lady pits, this is actually a pretty simple fetish to satisfy, right? Between ladies wandering around with all their sleeveless tops

There are entire websites devoted to celebrity armpits. Pits of the rich and famous.

& dudes running around with no tops you've got a whole wide world of free porn. Nice!

...and we're back!

It's a new exciting school year, everyone. I'm not in school but that doesn't mean I can't share your misery. Got a few fun things in the works, but for now, I'd like to share with you this porn I found recently:

Gay Tube
Seems like a pretty normal gay porno: two dudes getting it on on a saddle in a barn, because that's manly and gay dudes like manly things. It stays pretty normal (and pretty boring, but you gotta love that soundtrack!) until right at 11:40 (where it becomes less boring, but not in a good way). I always know when "feet" or "foot" is in the title (Stable Stallion Feet, which sounds like something a Japanese teenager would put on a t-shirt) I'm in for a wacky time, but, did you even know you could do that with feet? It had literally never occurred to me that this was a thing you could do with feet.
At about 15 minutes in you get a close-up on the face of the bigger guy who's getting, er, foot-fucked, and, I can't tell what exactly his expression is. Arousal? Frustration? Shame or is he just wondering how he'll explain his career to his family? I feel like this would be a hard to porn to shoot if you're not really into feet. "Oh, yeah, Greg, give it to me. Rub your cock all over my feet", "mm your feet are hot, why don't you let me fuck them?" "You've got some nice high arches there, I bet they'd fit my dick real nice" are sentences you just can't fake enthusiasm for unless you have Julliard-level acting skills, and, well, I don't think James Lipton's going to be interviewing either of our "stallions" here anytime soon.
Ew! and then the skinny guy licks the big guy's cum-covered feet and I'm done summarizing this for you, just watch the video.

So here's to a new year (or several months, or a couple weeks, however long before I get bored, whatever) of sex acts you never saw coming.

Anomie!

One of my New Year's resolutions was to update this blog more regularly. Oops. Well, for real this time, 2011, I'll try to keep to a weekly schedule. Won't say what day though, gotta keep some of the mystery.

The reason I went on a two-month hiatus, essentially, isn't laziness, but boredom. Porn is boring. Even the weird stuff I post here: it bores me to tears. Once you've seen one extreme ball torture enthusiast you've seen them all, as the saying goes.

Well, nothing really shocks or surprises me anymore. Oh, this lady likes to get triple penetrated. Oh, this one likes hot chillies shoved up her nose when she fucks. Oh, here's a man who likes to have his penis encased in ice...

Ho-hum. Carve yourself an ice vagina with a chainsaw and fuck it, then maybe I'll say something about it. This is weird, but it sure is a boring picture. Certainly not as interesting or extreme as "ice hole fetishist" might initially look.

Basically what I'm saying is I've been drifting listlessly around the 'net looking for something to pique my interest what would make a decent post. I've got some OK ideas...
I may be bored but I will soldier on, for you, my one reader. I had to explain what a gimp suit was to my friend the other day. That's like, Unusual Porn 101, so clearly there's a need for an educator of my caliber.

Whatever. I haven't found anything stellar yet, but here's some stuff:

I really hate this hairdo on girls. It looks like she's wearing a mushroom helmet.

From Wikipedia: "Black velvet paintings originate in ancient Kashmir, the homeland of the fabric. These original paintings were generally religious and portrayed the icons of the Caucasus region which were painted by Russian Orthodox priests."

 When I'm rich, I'm commissioning this artist to decorate my kitchen.

 Did you hear that Pope Benedict XVI recently exonerated the Jews for Jesus' death? It seems like there's some kind of joke I can make about that here.

Well, there's nothing sexier than a broad who knows how to "do the laundry", yeah? She probably spent a minute contorting herself into this pose, placing her boobs just so. Jesus...

 Real women don't need to pose. They just stand there, still as a statue, and smirk as their sexuality washes over you.

You laugh, but if a photographer asked me to make a face like a sexy little unicorn that's exactly the face I'd end up making. This man knows the business.

 This one, meanwhile... He's got a good build, and if he weren't Greco-Roman wrestling a guitar I'd be more turned on.

That's it. I think a couple month's rest did me some good. Now I'm fresh and ready to get back to insulting strangers' sex lives.

Dang!

 "Thank you for the photo - just surprising to see myself online. The tattoo is of my daughter who is a fetish model was surprised that i didn't see her pictures here. Was great to meet her many friends in the industry. The photo is to fun. Love to All - G (otherwise known now among the fetish models as mom)"u

I was tracking an elusive fetish one day when I found this picture. That's the caption I found with it, emphasis added. I am both intimidated and filled with deep respect for this woman and her appropriately bawdy family.
To all the aging ladies of the world: you don't need expensive creams or plastic surgery. You don't need to lie about your age. You need to do this. This is how you age gracefully.

Nipples!

Here is a website called OnlyNipples.com. OK, doesn't that sound like the kind of website Ed Gein would visit? There's something unsettling about a website that focuses so intensely on nipples; I'm not sure exactly what. There's also a paysite I found called JustNips.com, which boasts having "many women in various stages of pregnancy on the site" because "Amazing things happen to nipples & boobs as the body prepares for child-birth". Hm.

OnlyNipples.com is mostly close-ups of nips.

Redo this in black in white with a little bit better lighting and you've made an Art. **

I think it's all too Freudian for me. It's hard not to think that a man who is so, so, so obsessed with nipples is one who nursed a little too long into his childhood. Or not long enough. It definitely has to do with breastfeeding though. Ladies: if you do nurse do it for exactly the right amount of time.

I'm not saying all boobs need to look like pornstar boobs but there are some funky tatas on JustNips.com.

Am I looking at this the wrong way? After all, nipples are an erogenous zone, and they are atop boobs and men do like boobs. Isn't it only natural that some men like to look at nipples a little more than others, just like some men are ass men or leg men? "It's not that weird," you protest. How naïve.
Keep in mind, I formulated my Freudian theory even before I looked further down the page, where I found this: http://www.onlynipples.com/milking-puffy-nipples
And I quote:

"I’m so in love with lactating puffy nipples. I know you guys love all the nubile tit shots I throw up here but seriously if you don’t have a LACTATION FETISH get one. The sweet lady in this movie clip massages her motherly boobs until the release and drip their precious milk…

 [A video of a lady using a breast pump to milk herself.]

Damn that’s a good video. Each time I see it I think of her puffy nipples as HERSHEY KISSES drizzled with vanilla icing. So full, firm, productive! It would be a thrill to have her brush them across my face and chest."

OK! If I can just draw your attention to the adjective phrase I've highlighted in red there. Sometimes it almost seems like I know what I'm talking about here.

Why does this lady look like she just smelled something bad?

Not a lot of man-nipple sites, I might add. There are sites devoted to nipple torture (and for women too), or sometimes you'll see a video with "nipple play" in the title. There is nothing, though, quite like OnlyNipples.com: no site that just has pictures of dudenips. I know there are men (and women) who are into them, but so far nothing, which is weird. The gays especially are usually on top of this sort of thing. We fucking love propagating needlessly weird shit on the Internet for our own self-gratification (Meta humor!).

To see you out, check out this article from SFGate.com: Koko the Gorilla has a Nipple Fetish.





** I did a Google image search to see if there were any similar sculptures I could find to make a more pretentious joke there. I didn't find any but I did find this:

It's called "Abraham and Isaac" and it's by George Segal and it took me 12 minutes to realize the guy standing (Abe) was holding a knife. I look at too much porn. Or George Segal looks at too little. Or he's fucking with people.

Ceiling fan porn!

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