Thursday, January 13, 2011

Ceiling fan porn!

What is porn? That's a central question of this blog and of my life, if I'm being completely honest. Wikipedia calls it "the portrayal of explicit sexual subject matter for the purposes of sexual excitement and erotic satisfaction", but I have a couple problems with that definition. Intentionality is a troublesome way to define anything. How can we really know the true intentions of a image's or video's author? For example:
It seems pretty clear this was made for the laffs. But, will the right weirdo almost certainly jack off to it? Yes, he or she will. More to the point, we have to admit the possibility that they guy who made this intended it as porn. It's wholly possible he added the caption as an afterthought. Take a look at the waffle's hands. Righty could be right up Jemima's ass, or fingering her*. Is Mrs. Butterworth grabbing Eggo's left arm in rage or is she guiding it into her crotch? Is our intrepid breakfast food about to have a threesome? (Two kinds of syrup? How decadent!) Is that look of surprise on his (or her, I guess) face because ze got caught or is xe shocked the Mrs. would be amenable to such kink? It is possible our artist drew this and threw on the caption as a bit of misdirection when his roomate carelessly barged in on his private moment. There is simply no way to know.
So what do we call it? A dirty comic, I guess, but if this were my thing, I'd call it porn.

To me porn is more about the end use than anything else. Which brings me to my next problem with Wikipedia's definition: "explicit sexual subject matter". Porn needn't be explicit. Sometimes a non-nude photo can be as a nude one. Did you know that there are entire websites devoted to pictures of fully clothed children? (There are sites devoted to kids in bathing suits too. Not in sexy poses either, which somehow makes it weirder.) My point is, despite their non-explicit subject matter these sites are still creepy because what kind of person peruses a website devoted to pictures of kids? Well, pedophiles. I'm sure there are non-pervy people who do too, but definitely pedophiles. My point is, for these people, they use these photos as a sort of jumping-off point for their fantasies, which is really what porn is all about. The content of the photo is in a way less important than the context the viewer sees it in.
I added this picture to break up the wall of text I had going here. You only come here to look at the weird pictures, I know. Admit it!      For a fun challenge, try to interpret this image the same way I did the waffle/syrup comic up there. Try to imagine the kind of person for whom this is porn rather than humor.
So how does this change how we define porn? I'll say porn is "literally anything that is used indirectly to sexually excite and achieve erotic satisfaction". By "indirectly" all I mean is, sex toys aren't porn. You use them to sexually excite etc. but you physically use them to tickle your junk. This is not the case with pictures or video. I suppose you could rub a picture all over yourself; unless you're a chartophile** I doubt it'll do much. Who knows? Give it a try.

So whence the title of this post? Does anything exist that could be called "ceiling fan porn"? Well sure, but it could easily be simple pictures of ceiling fans. Who knows? Sexual peculiarities can come from literally anywhere. Maybe some dude was breastfed a little too long and it was always under a ceiling fan. Maybe his first time was under a ceiling fan. Whatever. If it is even conceivable that something can elicit a sexual response, then I will bet you money that there is someone on this planet who, in the course of their day, will jack off to, on or with it. In fact, here is some one who claims to have a ceiling fan fetish: http://www.drug3k.com/forum1/Mental-Health/Anyone-else-share-this-fetish-9881.htm. I smell bullshit but it's possible it's legit.
That said, pictures of ceiling fans are fucking boring (unless you're that dude). Let's try for something more interesting. First off, I've read more than a few posts on forums and such as about people who tie one end of a string to a fan and the other to a nipple clamp. It is apparently a Thing. Does that count? Eh, kind of.
Here's a picture of some dude, tied to and dangled from a ceiling fan.
That doesn't really count either. Seems like the ceiling fan is merely incidental: a prop rather than a fetish object.
These are all unsatisfying and they don't deserve to be called "ceiling fan porn". Now you, as a normal person who doesn't spend their days looking up bizarre crap on the Internet, might have a hard time imagining what I'm looking for. Take a look at this:



Lady chandeliers! You can find more at HouseOfGord.com. Now look at this:

Lady sprinkler! It's a lady! Tied up and used in a kind of water sprinkler contraption! Let's get a close-up.
Nice. All the parts are there. We've got ladies tied up and used as objects fixed to a ceiling and we've got a lady as a central component of a spinning contraption. I'm picturing a four-bladed fan, with a lady, each of her limbs bound to one of the blades. Or else, a lady hung from a fan. You know how some fans have a light at the center? Like that. Or maybe just her legs are fixed to the ceiling fan's blades and she hangs upside-down. You see? I just came up with three ideas right there. (I am not entirely comfortable with my ability to do so.) I'm disappointed, Internet.

So the Internet doesn't have 'real' ceiling fan porn, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Even though I didn't find something easy you can point to and say "There. That is ceiling fan porn," my whole point is, there's a good chance you and I have already seen it, we just didn't know.



*Probably not a good sign my first impulse is to go right to fisting.
**A word I just made up. From Greek χαρτί (charti), meaning "paper" and -phile, which is a suffix I assume you're familiar with if you read this blog.

2 comments:

  1. Where are you going at the endOlife? Better re-think, know, grow-up. God bless you with discernment ...thewarningsecondcoming.com

    ReplyDelete