Biffy the Vampire Fucker

I found this searching for more Halloween porn. It's a 'game' called Biffy the Vampire Fucker, and I really can't describe it in any way that's better than actually playing it. All I can say is that the ending confuses me.
It's things like this that make me glad to be alive today. If you showed this kind of thing to some straight-laced Victorian taint he/she would probably implode in a puff of equal parts indignation, shame and confusion. We in the somewhat-less-stupid 21st century get to watch smut that would make Victorians implode. Yay! Future!

Dildo demon!

I was a-googlin' for some Halloween porn and on a website called severepenetrations.com I found this: the Dildo Demon!

She seems pretty in to it. Also: love the trackpants, DD. Could severepenetrations.com not afford demon legs?

Vampire sex toys!

Gentlemen! BEHOLD!

This is The Vamp from Tantus Direct. Do you see what it says there? It fucking SPARKLES! OMG twitards lol!

"The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon's soft glow."

Wow. Could this get weirder? It can:

"The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience."

You cannae make this stuff up.

Bonus wackiness:

That there's a vampire mouth fleshlight. Which seems a bit odd because it's usually girls who like Twilight and girls don't tend to have penises.
Oh! I get it: it's for male gays!
Which brings me to my final point:
Twinklight!

With Edmond and

Billa.

This is exactly the gayest thing I've seen since the Winter Olympics. You can check out the PG version of the trailer here, if you're too ashamed to visit the site liked above and have that fey-fest of a website lying in your browser cache (I kind of am). But I gotta tell you, it's still pretty fucking gay.
The empenised trailer on the website has its moments I suppose, but I can't help thinking this whole affair's a wasted opportunity to see Taylor Lautner naked. And I do not even care what you think of me for saying that.

The Human Sexipede!

Have you heard of this movie, The Human Centipede? Basically it's about a mad scientist who surgically connects three people ass-to-mouth to make a human centipede.

Ass --> Head --> Ass --> Head --> Ass --> Head

Like so.
Hi-jinx ensue. Naturally, there's a pornographic remake of it what just came out, because, as the director says, "I thought, ‘You know what, this is the perfect concept to base a parody around. Anything putting human faces that close to genitals deserves the porn treatment'". It scares me that I have to agree with him. It's called The Human Sexipede.
Here are some production photos.

Also, a trailer for Human Sexipede.

Here, for comparison, is the trailer to the actual movie, The Human Centipede.


Pretty wacky, but let's remember that for a very real segment of society the original film is probably already arousing enough to get it up. I want to be perfectly clear than I am Not Kidding. I swear I saw a legit review somewhere calling Audition "sexy".
Have you seen Audition?

I've seen all manner of depraved shit online and, seriously now, Audition was very nearly too much for me. Maaaaaan, and now I'm thinking about it. Dammit.




P.S. Looking at reviews of Audition on imbd, I found one that says "Why is this movie so much better than anything I've seen? Subtlety."
If you've seen the movie perhaps you'll agree that "Subtlety" isn't exactly the right word. A woman gleefully cutting off a man's foot with a wire saw while the man screams and the blood splatters on her face would not be, clasically, "subtle".

Nail fetish!

Generally speaking, file painted nails under Inexplicable Shit Women Waste Too Much Money On. Researching for this post, I found an advice website wherein some broad had asked "what color should I paint my nails to impress a guy?" Only two out of the ten or so answers boiled down to "the dude will never notice" and that, ladies, is the only correct answer. That said, no one answered "painting your nails is dumb" which is technically even more correct. I swear, between nails and shoes and Fashion! and hair dyes and God knows what else.... The amount of time and effort and money you XX's spend on junk is astonishing. I can't even conceive of a good reason to paint my nails.
Anyway, my rant up there is entirely negated by the topic of this post which is people who are at least as into pretty nails as the average she-person, if not more so. Most folk who cared to make websites devoted to nails were really into painted nails.

But a lot of these people just like nails in general. Even plain nails. This is, somehow, even weirder.

 

This photo comes from a guy named Neville. On the page where I found the picture, he's described as a person who "you'd have no problem with walking up to and saying "hi" to" . Neville saw this lady at a bank and asked to take pictures of her nails. I think Neville is exactly the kind of person I'd have a problem walking up to and saying "hi" to.

 Different lady. She's from Moldavia, a region comprising the Republic of Moldova and a part of Romania. I knew next to nothing about Moldavia before I saw this. Moldavia is very proud that this is my first memory of Moldavia.

Some people are all about long nails. Such people are called onychophiles.

The site I found these photos on calls these sort of pictures "nailshots", a word I never knew existed. I am deeply concerned that it does.

 

Scary.

SCARY! Jesus, she looks like a fucking demon!

The sheer logistics of maintaining nails like that boggle the mind.

At least one site is devoted to men wearing fancy painted nails.

 That's a dudehand and a dudefoot there. This guy's got some pretty great links at the bottoms of his page, too (at least the one that work). For instance, you can visit the Internet home of Virginia the Toenail Queen. She's got an album:

(!!!)

Some people are into a sort of nail-fetish/BDSM crossover kind of thing where a woman scrapes her nails across someone's back.

Hm.

Like any fetish, there're a lot of ideas about how this sort of thing develops. This dude seems to think the fetish is about harking back to "a time of glamor and raw sexuality".

 "...specifically it seems like the 1960′s are of particular reverence given the societal attitudes and the blending of glamor and open sexuality. For most admirers of this fetish, it’s mostly about the whole package and the nails are just one part of it. Nail fetishists often tend to have other fetishes that are similarly tied to glamor..."

That's interesting. I think it might have something to do with evolution. The nails can show symptoms of a number of disorders, specifically some dietary deficiencies. Nice nails mean a healthy body which is attractive. This little quirk of human attraction gets exaggerated in some individuals due to genetics or weird parenting and there you go: nail fetishist.
Doesn't go too far in explaining the painted nails thing though. I wonder if painting one's nails originated in trying to cover up ugly nails, evidence of a disorder? If so, Great Job, ladies, your dumb fashion bullshit has tricked men since time immemorial into procreating with your deficient asses. Way to doom the species.

Little tiny cocks.

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Mexican Playboy!

Remember back in July, when I did a post about the Portuguese language edition of Playboy with Sexy Jesus? Well, once again a Latin-descended culture seems to outdone us. This time it's Mexico and they've got a sexy Virgin Mary on the cover.

I don't even really care if they've got a good reason for having the Virgin Mary in Playboy. Mexico's a pretty weird place, and where they're not actively worshiping death they're pretty obsessed with everyone's favorite virgin, so I figure this is just a symptom of that. It's like how I assume the cover of every Italian edition of Playboy consists of a screaming women force-feeding people plates of pasta. It's a cultural thing.

We gotta ramp it up, America. We've got more money than God, more free time and less tact than nearly anyone else. Surely we can do better than this: