Vampire sex toys!

Gentlemen! BEHOLD!

This is The Vamp from Tantus Direct. Do you see what it says there? It fucking SPARKLES! OMG twitards lol!

"The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon's soft glow."

Wow. Could this get weirder? It can:

"The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience."

You cannae make this stuff up.

Bonus wackiness:

That there's a vampire mouth fleshlight. Which seems a bit odd because it's usually girls who like Twilight and girls don't tend to have penises.
Oh! I get it: it's for male gays!
Which brings me to my final point:
Twinklight!

With Edmond and

Billa.

This is exactly the gayest thing I've seen since the Winter Olympics. You can check out the PG version of the trailer here, if you're too ashamed to visit the site liked above and have that fey-fest of a website lying in your browser cache (I kind of am). But I gotta tell you, it's still pretty fucking gay.
The empenised trailer on the website has its moments I suppose, but I can't help thinking this whole affair's a wasted opportunity to see Taylor Lautner naked. And I do not even care what you think of me for saying that.

The Human Sexipede!

Have you heard of this movie, The Human Centipede? Basically it's about a mad scientist who surgically connects three people ass-to-mouth to make a human centipede.

Ass --> Head --> Ass --> Head --> Ass --> Head

Like so.
Hi-jinx ensue. Naturally, there's a pornographic remake of it what just came out, because, as the director says, "I thought, ‘You know what, this is the perfect concept to base a parody around. Anything putting human faces that close to genitals deserves the porn treatment'". It scares me that I have to agree with him. It's called The Human Sexipede.
Here are some production photos.

Also, a trailer for Human Sexipede.

Here, for comparison, is the trailer to the actual movie, The Human Centipede.


Pretty wacky, but let's remember that for a very real segment of society the original film is probably already arousing enough to get it up. I want to be perfectly clear than I am Not Kidding. I swear I saw a legit review somewhere calling Audition "sexy".
Have you seen Audition?

I've seen all manner of depraved shit online and, seriously now, Audition was very nearly too much for me. Maaaaaan, and now I'm thinking about it. Dammit.




P.S. Looking at reviews of Audition on imbd, I found one that says "Why is this movie so much better than anything I've seen? Subtlety."
If you've seen the movie perhaps you'll agree that "Subtlety" isn't exactly the right word. A woman gleefully cutting off a man's foot with a wire saw while the man screams and the blood splatters on her face would not be, clasically, "subtle".

Nail fetish!

Generally speaking, file painted nails under Inexplicable Shit Women Waste Too Much Money On. Researching for this post, I found an advice website wherein some broad had asked "what color should I paint my nails to impress a guy?" Only two out of the ten or so answers boiled down to "the dude will never notice" and that, ladies, is the only correct answer. That said, no one answered "painting your nails is dumb" which is technically even more correct. I swear, between nails and shoes and Fashion! and hair dyes and God knows what else.... The amount of time and effort and money you XX's spend on junk is astonishing. I can't even conceive of a good reason to paint my nails.
Anyway, my rant up there is entirely negated by the topic of this post which is people who are at least as into pretty nails as the average she-person, if not more so. Most folk who cared to make websites devoted to nails were really into painted nails.

But a lot of these people just like nails in general. Even plain nails. This is, somehow, even weirder.

 

This photo comes from a guy named Neville. On the page where I found the picture, he's described as a person who "you'd have no problem with walking up to and saying "hi" to" . Neville saw this lady at a bank and asked to take pictures of her nails. I think Neville is exactly the kind of person I'd have a problem walking up to and saying "hi" to.

 Different lady. She's from Moldavia, a region comprising the Republic of Moldova and a part of Romania. I knew next to nothing about Moldavia before I saw this. Moldavia is very proud that this is my first memory of Moldavia.

Some people are all about long nails. Such people are called onychophiles.

The site I found these photos on calls these sort of pictures "nailshots", a word I never knew existed. I am deeply concerned that it does.

 

Scary.

SCARY! Jesus, she looks like a fucking demon!

The sheer logistics of maintaining nails like that boggle the mind.

At least one site is devoted to men wearing fancy painted nails.

 That's a dudehand and a dudefoot there. This guy's got some pretty great links at the bottoms of his page, too (at least the one that work). For instance, you can visit the Internet home of Virginia the Toenail Queen. She's got an album:

(!!!)

Some people are into a sort of nail-fetish/BDSM crossover kind of thing where a woman scrapes her nails across someone's back.

Hm.

Like any fetish, there're a lot of ideas about how this sort of thing develops. This dude seems to think the fetish is about harking back to "a time of glamor and raw sexuality".

 "...specifically it seems like the 1960′s are of particular reverence given the societal attitudes and the blending of glamor and open sexuality. For most admirers of this fetish, it’s mostly about the whole package and the nails are just one part of it. Nail fetishists often tend to have other fetishes that are similarly tied to glamor..."

That's interesting. I think it might have something to do with evolution. The nails can show symptoms of a number of disorders, specifically some dietary deficiencies. Nice nails mean a healthy body which is attractive. This little quirk of human attraction gets exaggerated in some individuals due to genetics or weird parenting and there you go: nail fetishist.
Doesn't go too far in explaining the painted nails thing though. I wonder if painting one's nails originated in trying to cover up ugly nails, evidence of a disorder? If so, Great Job, ladies, your dumb fashion bullshit has tricked men since time immemorial into procreating with your deficient asses. Way to doom the species.

Little tiny cocks.

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Mexican Playboy!

Remember back in July, when I did a post about the Portuguese language edition of Playboy with Sexy Jesus? Well, once again a Latin-descended culture seems to outdone us. This time it's Mexico and they've got a sexy Virgin Mary on the cover.

I don't even really care if they've got a good reason for having the Virgin Mary in Playboy. Mexico's a pretty weird place, and where they're not actively worshiping death they're pretty obsessed with everyone's favorite virgin, so I figure this is just a symptom of that. It's like how I assume the cover of every Italian edition of Playboy consists of a screaming women force-feeding people plates of pasta. It's a cultural thing.

We gotta ramp it up, America. We've got more money than God, more free time and less tact than nearly anyone else. Surely we can do better than this:

Google search: "multiboob".

Sometimes it's fun to search for some weird thing on Google and see what you get. I'm not really surprised at the number of hits I got for "multiboob", but I am impressed with the variety. We've got a nice cross section of Internet weirdness. Let's see if we can't arrange them on a scale form relatively normal to batshit insane.

First we've got this chick, whose name is Taylor Chanel (I'm sure that's her given name). She's got three tits, seems like this is the real deal. This barely registers my odd-o-meter (a tepid 1.3 (yes, I have a method)) I dunno. Maybe I'm just jaded. Seems like more of a medical curiosity than a turn on. I noticed in all the pictures I could find of her she was positioned such that the tri-boob wasn't directly facing the guy, as if he doesn't really want to look at it right in the eye.
Isn't this the kind of thing that, like, eighth-graders who don't even know what a boob looks like think about? It seems like a young boy all fucked up on hormones might well think that the more tityknockers the better, but once he's grown into a man he'll realizes it's just weird. Who knows, maybe this guy's really into it? He looks like a real specimen of humanity here. I bet he does think like an eighth-grader.
Final note: I bet she has trouble finding shirts that fit well.
Actual final note: what does she do about bras? Is there someplace one might buy bespoke hyperbolomastic lingerie?

1.35. Normally, this one'd be lower. I mean, extra boobs are more interesting than extra nipples, right? It gets points because it's from an incomprehensible Russian website, so I'm not sure if it's really porn or some kind of medical thing; I'm leaning towards the latter. Japan usually takes the limelight, but let there be no mistake, Russian weirdness is a force to be reckoned with. I'm certain some ex-soviet likes to beat-sky his meat-sky to this.*

This one, you'd think it'd be higher but no, it's only a 2.1. Why? Because it looks like a fashion (I'm sorry, Fashion!) photo and Fashion! is supposed to be weird and anyway, I've seen Lady Gaga wearing stranger stuff.

Here we go. Solid 4. Love the title of this: "Lots of tits": just what it says on the tin. I like that sort of honestly in smut.

4.8. This is pretty much the same thing as the last image, but it gets higher points because there's some bondage and a gangbang happening  at the same time. Also and old man is locking her leg. Do... do people do that? You know, a lot of people blame the gays for infecting society but I have see waaaaaaaaaay more fucked up straight porn than gay porn. In fairness, at least some of that is simply a  side effect of people trying to hide The Gay, but I think straights people are into way kinkier shit on average than gays. I mean, you know, adjusting for certain technical considerations. (Anal is higher on the kink meter for straights than it is for gays, I mean).

Alright now this is a solid 5. This just freaks me out. It'd be higher if I wasn't pretty sure this is Fashion! too. Man! Weird. Are the rubber nipples really necessary?

6.82. Yeah, the penis growing out of the base of the other penis is a bit off-putting, but I'm more concerned about the coloration of the nipples and glans penes (Yes, I had to look up the plural. The plural of 'glans' is just 'glans' but 'glans penes' sounds cooler. And this is why I keep a Latin dictionary handy.)

7.3. At first glance, I would've put this lower, but then I noticed the picture's filename included the word 'conjoined'. This is conjoined twin porn. Glad I got to see that. (If they're conjoined twins why do they have different color hairs?)

8.008 (Get it!?). I have no idea what's going on here.

From the same Russian website as the second one up there, this one ranks at 8.3 This is just a little to lovingly rendered to be a medical drawing, you know? And all the little extra boob-lumps... gross.

8.968. This one ranks higher because it's a pretty good Photoshop job. Someone took time with this. Think about that.

11. What in the holy hell is this? I couldn't have come up with this if I went and snorted a few lines (with an acid tab chaser) off of Carmen Miranda's corpse at Carnival in Rio. This is fucking nuts! My favorite part: it's hard to see, but it's got a rainbow-colored forked tongue. This is surely what Fred Phelps sees in his wet-mares.

I also found this, confusingly, with 'multiboob' but I didn't want to include it on with the rest because it's off topic. If you're curious, this is a 6.4. Mainly for the way Meg's distended ribcage has been explicitly drawn.

*In Soviet Russia, meat beats you!

"Bubbling" !

During a routine search for Mormon porn, I found this page.
The original poster says, "being mormon, [sic] I can't look at porn or nudity. So I have to get creative," and I have to say he has been. He calls this kind of thing "bubbling" and I think it's fascinating.

It's like they're naked, but except I don't feel like I'm sinning, exactly.

Notice how parts of the vehicle in the background have been bubbled, too. It's one sexy back right door handle you've got there, presumably.

These girls look like they're 12, but as I'm fairly sure this is in no way kiddie porn we'll let it pass.

I mean, this is fucking nuts, right? How much effort does it take to do this? Couldn't you just look at porn and pray the guilt away later, guy? Or just not feel bad about it, like a normal person? And, like, what, does this guy think he's tricking God? Wouldn't that just piss him off? Dude's smote people for less.

I also wanna point out that I found these photos on a forum devoted to bodybuilding. That is, a forum where (mostly) men can go to talk about their muscular bodies and how to make them more muscular and, of course, share pictures of said bodies. Re my previous post on Mormon porn : gay.



Update: I found this on reddit.com right after posting. The original post reads "Mormon bubbling pics ... am I doing it right?"

Funny.