Halloween!

Halloween is exactly the best holiday, but you don't see a lot of Halloween-themed porn. Holiday porn, in general, is pretty uncommon. I'm not really sure why.
Why is amputation fetish porn easier to find than Halloween porn? People don't like to get freaky on Halloween anymore? Plus, loose chicks always dress up in the finest bedroom-wear for Halloween. Costume parties, masks, and carte blanche to be creepy (That's the point of the holiday): these are the trappings of a fine porno.
Turns out, mostly the kind of people who make ppron for Halloween are crazy people.

People who are perhaps confused over this... concept. This... "sexy". What a strange idea...

We must test to see if she's a witch!

We shall bone her. If she drowns, she's a witch.

 OK.

 So she's getting naked to carve her pumpkin. Well, I guess that's... practical.

 What's she got there, a little clump of pumpkin goo? What's she gonna do with---

Oh I see. Moving on.

These next two actually freak me out a bit. Take a close look at her mouth.

 Braces! Orthodontics! Some people have a fetish for that kind of thing. 

This girl looks like she's 12 and some neighborhood weirdo's lured her into his "haunted house" for a "treat".

Japan hasn't produced as much Halloween smut as you'd think. Halloween's the kind of thing where I look at what Japan's done with it and I'm not sure if they're shockingly bad or just really good in a real uncanny way.

This is a Japanese product:

It's a poseable porn star action figure! He's got a little Halloween costume!

But he is not anatomically correct. Disappointing, Japan. (Though I do love that pose. Look at his face!

Not a lot of gay Halloween porn either.

 Probably for the best.

There's a few Halloween-themed porn films out there. The best one I know of's called "Night of the Giving Head". Cute, right?

The Internet's a weird place.

That's an Elder Thing doing it with a Cthulu. I think. Note the "Re-animator" poster on the wall behind them. It's funny 'cause H. P. Lovecraft wrote that story.

  

But really, all I want is some good, old-fashioned, wholesome Halloween porn. None of this weird crap.

There. Thank you. Sexy Halloween party. Black dude doing a white girl. It's a great comfort to know that some  people still make normal porn in this world.

Happy Halloween!

Spider porn!

Spiders creep me out. Don't like 'em. Apologies to William Hazlitt, but I hate them and they should be eliminated wherever possible. They are gross even when they're having sex.

See? Nasty!
I googled "spider porn". I expected I'd find some sider-themed furries and, naturally, some porn devoted to Spiderman and definitely Spidergirl. (That's a thing, right?) I found that too;

Here's a picture of Martin Scorsese's ex-wife:

And a Spanish stock photography website with a uncomfortable number of images featuring "arañas eróticos". And of course several animes:

Both of these pictures were labeled "Earth Defense Force". The EDF appears to be some kind of insect-themed kiddie brothel.

 Click though and read this one for yourself.

And a couple "Little Miss Muffet" things. I can never tell if this sort of thing is just piss-takes or if someone's actively aroused by these images. Such is the mystery of the Internet.

Mostly, though, I found this kind of thing:

That purple thing on the right's a person, presumably a man, who's been 'captured' and is about to be used as a sex object/eaten by the sexy spider-woman. This is an entirely

too

popular

 

 theme

in Internet porn. I've seen porn where people have extra legs or whatever, but this spider-woman thing seems a bit too common, you know? It's never spider-men, I might add; it's always spider ladies about to eat something.

I assume someone's getting eaten here at some point.

Have you heard of vore? Voraraephiles are people who are in to vore and that means they have persistent fantasies about being swallowed whole or in part before, during or after some no-doubt depraved sex act. So that's what we've got here. Images for people who get off to the thought of being eaten by a lady-spider. I've found written erotica too; one was about how the beautiful spider-woman bit off the dude's head after she was done with him.

It's not always the man getting eaten, though. Sometimes the spider eats a lady. Never a spider-man. Just a spider.

Anyway all that's pretty F'ed but none of it really prepared me for

.
I made the image small so you'd have to click through and see it in full size like I had to. Look at it. Look at it right in the eye. Look at it's nasty pube-hair covered head! Look at it's gross mouth as it sucks a dick! Why is the head human-skin-colored? Is this supposed to be some kind of horrible human-spider hybrid? Look at it's gross mouth again because I'm pretty sure IT'S WEARING LIPSTICK! The spider has lips!? Why does a spider need lips?
No, no. NO! This is all wrong...

Biffy the Vampire Fucker

I found this searching for more Halloween porn. It's a 'game' called Biffy the Vampire Fucker, and I really can't describe it in any way that's better than actually playing it. All I can say is that the ending confuses me.
It's things like this that make me glad to be alive today. If you showed this kind of thing to some straight-laced Victorian taint he/she would probably implode in a puff of equal parts indignation, shame and confusion. We in the somewhat-less-stupid 21st century get to watch smut that would make Victorians implode. Yay! Future!

Dildo demon!

I was a-googlin' for some Halloween porn and on a website called severepenetrations.com I found this: the Dildo Demon!

She seems pretty in to it. Also: love the trackpants, DD. Could severepenetrations.com not afford demon legs?

Vampire sex toys!

Gentlemen! BEHOLD!

This is The Vamp from Tantus Direct. Do you see what it says there? It fucking SPARKLES! OMG twitards lol!

"The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon's soft glow."

Wow. Could this get weirder? It can:

"The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience."

You cannae make this stuff up.

Bonus wackiness:

That there's a vampire mouth fleshlight. Which seems a bit odd because it's usually girls who like Twilight and girls don't tend to have penises.
Oh! I get it: it's for male gays!
Which brings me to my final point:
Twinklight!

With Edmond and

Billa.

This is exactly the gayest thing I've seen since the Winter Olympics. You can check out the PG version of the trailer here, if you're too ashamed to visit the site liked above and have that fey-fest of a website lying in your browser cache (I kind of am). But I gotta tell you, it's still pretty fucking gay.
The empenised trailer on the website has its moments I suppose, but I can't help thinking this whole affair's a wasted opportunity to see Taylor Lautner naked. And I do not even care what you think of me for saying that.

The Human Sexipede!

Have you heard of this movie, The Human Centipede? Basically it's about a mad scientist who surgically connects three people ass-to-mouth to make a human centipede.

Ass --> Head --> Ass --> Head --> Ass --> Head

Like so.
Hi-jinx ensue. Naturally, there's a pornographic remake of it what just came out, because, as the director says, "I thought, ‘You know what, this is the perfect concept to base a parody around. Anything putting human faces that close to genitals deserves the porn treatment'". It scares me that I have to agree with him. It's called The Human Sexipede.
Here are some production photos.

Also, a trailer for Human Sexipede.

Here, for comparison, is the trailer to the actual movie, The Human Centipede.


Pretty wacky, but let's remember that for a very real segment of society the original film is probably already arousing enough to get it up. I want to be perfectly clear than I am Not Kidding. I swear I saw a legit review somewhere calling Audition "sexy".
Have you seen Audition?

I've seen all manner of depraved shit online and, seriously now, Audition was very nearly too much for me. Maaaaaan, and now I'm thinking about it. Dammit.




P.S. Looking at reviews of Audition on imbd, I found one that says "Why is this movie so much better than anything I've seen? Subtlety."
If you've seen the movie perhaps you'll agree that "Subtlety" isn't exactly the right word. A woman gleefully cutting off a man's foot with a wire saw while the man screams and the blood splatters on her face would not be, clasically, "subtle".

Nail fetish!

Generally speaking, file painted nails under Inexplicable Shit Women Waste Too Much Money On. Researching for this post, I found an advice website wherein some broad had asked "what color should I paint my nails to impress a guy?" Only two out of the ten or so answers boiled down to "the dude will never notice" and that, ladies, is the only correct answer. That said, no one answered "painting your nails is dumb" which is technically even more correct. I swear, between nails and shoes and Fashion! and hair dyes and God knows what else.... The amount of time and effort and money you XX's spend on junk is astonishing. I can't even conceive of a good reason to paint my nails.
Anyway, my rant up there is entirely negated by the topic of this post which is people who are at least as into pretty nails as the average she-person, if not more so. Most folk who cared to make websites devoted to nails were really into painted nails.

But a lot of these people just like nails in general. Even plain nails. This is, somehow, even weirder.

 

This photo comes from a guy named Neville. On the page where I found the picture, he's described as a person who "you'd have no problem with walking up to and saying "hi" to" . Neville saw this lady at a bank and asked to take pictures of her nails. I think Neville is exactly the kind of person I'd have a problem walking up to and saying "hi" to.

 Different lady. She's from Moldavia, a region comprising the Republic of Moldova and a part of Romania. I knew next to nothing about Moldavia before I saw this. Moldavia is very proud that this is my first memory of Moldavia.

Some people are all about long nails. Such people are called onychophiles.

The site I found these photos on calls these sort of pictures "nailshots", a word I never knew existed. I am deeply concerned that it does.

 

Scary.

SCARY! Jesus, she looks like a fucking demon!

The sheer logistics of maintaining nails like that boggle the mind.

At least one site is devoted to men wearing fancy painted nails.

 That's a dudehand and a dudefoot there. This guy's got some pretty great links at the bottoms of his page, too (at least the one that work). For instance, you can visit the Internet home of Virginia the Toenail Queen. She's got an album:

(!!!)

Some people are into a sort of nail-fetish/BDSM crossover kind of thing where a woman scrapes her nails across someone's back.

Hm.

Like any fetish, there're a lot of ideas about how this sort of thing develops. This dude seems to think the fetish is about harking back to "a time of glamor and raw sexuality".

 "...specifically it seems like the 1960′s are of particular reverence given the societal attitudes and the blending of glamor and open sexuality. For most admirers of this fetish, it’s mostly about the whole package and the nails are just one part of it. Nail fetishists often tend to have other fetishes that are similarly tied to glamor..."

That's interesting. I think it might have something to do with evolution. The nails can show symptoms of a number of disorders, specifically some dietary deficiencies. Nice nails mean a healthy body which is attractive. This little quirk of human attraction gets exaggerated in some individuals due to genetics or weird parenting and there you go: nail fetishist.
Doesn't go too far in explaining the painted nails thing though. I wonder if painting one's nails originated in trying to cover up ugly nails, evidence of a disorder? If so, Great Job, ladies, your dumb fashion bullshit has tricked men since time immemorial into procreating with your deficient asses. Way to doom the species.