Russian butt ladies!

Today I got a spam email, the subject of which was "Big penis like a girl!" and a link to a webpage called "trotclap.ru", which sounds filthy. I  got another identically worded message pointing to "zipsack.ru". Nasty.
Actually, I get a lot of funny spams out of Russia. EnlargePenis.Hi writes, "It's just cool! Have a cool penis!". Thank you, I will. Another promises me a "Big Penis For 3 Months!". Only three? 3NiceEnlarge.Penis tells me "big-penis-is-like-an-expensive-car". Makes sense I guess; you can lease a car, why not a bigger penis?
I bring this up because it is funny. Now, this:

 According to the Internet, this woman and her unusual pose have started a trend among Russian Internet ladies. She posted this photo on some social networking site and it caught on. Is it her big butt? Is it her hair bump? Her Giant Eyes? No-one knows, but it's caught on.

Mostly these people have no idea how to use a camera properly. These are terrible photos.

Some of them are pretty good, to be fair. This woman clearly put some thought into framing the picture, and it shows. Interesting lighting too. Would've taken the mirror out of the shot, though. I don't know why I'm critiquing this like it's a work of art / in some circles it definitely could be.

This one looks like she's wearing a pants-hat, haha. That's a pretty decent-looking camera and yet the photo is still grainy and out-of-focus. Not the good kind of grainy and out-of-focus either. If you are going to own a nice camera you should learn how to use it. Otherwise, buy a crappy point-and-shoot like the rest of the hoi-polloi.

The two are a bachelorette party made flesh. Relaxed sexuality, cheap decorative doodads and unadvisable decisions.

This one's my favorite. (Look at the painting. Did she paint that? What's going on there?)

No, this one is my favorite. What's that kid thinking? Will this inflict some kind of strange fetish on him later in life? (Yes.) What did that lady tell him was going on? "Come khelp* mommy take picturegraph for the Yinternet, Nikolai. We are goink to get you new daddy!" I don't really think all Russians talk all silly-like but it sure is funnier if they do.
Looking back at it, I think this is a way for the boob-challenged woman to display cleavage online.  If you're not comfortable with your boobs the ass is the next roundest part of a person. These women might actually be on to something.

*That's [xεɫp] for the IPA inclined.

Day-Glo Orange Monster cock!

You know, pornblogging is only my day job; I do have a private life and I'm not ashamed to admit that I do watch porn, er, recreationally. Fact: it is supremely jarring to accidentally see something like this when you're trying to masturbate.

A man will probably click on 6 trillion porn video clips in his lifetime. They can't all be winners, I know, but this kind of thing is just too wild. Is the guy a plushy? Is he really into Sesame Street? ('Cause I'm not sure that's OK.)
I clicked on this. I'm not sure why. Some part of my mind hates me* and it willed me to look. I watched the whole video, trying to make sense out of it. I didn't. Needless to say the mood was ruined. I sure hope he washes that thing between uses.



*The part that made me eat like 1/4 of an entire cake in one sitting last Wednesday.
 

Ar porn!

Check this out!

It's a wedding photo. Yeah. That is so crazy it's racist.
Does this turn you on? You're in luck, your improbably odd fantasy can be realized through the magic of Augmented Reality.

If you haven't heard of augmented reality, I think this chart from wikipedia is very helpful.

So that's basically all you need to know. That and: Japan knows about it. Take a look at this.

 The basic idea is, you have that little cube there, and there is a different design on each side. You aim a web cam at the cube, the computer processes the video feed and superimposes a little animated virtual lady on the image. One might say it augments it. Depending on which side of the cube is facing up, the girl does different things.
You'll notice Thing here is holding a little stick with another pattern at the end of it. This becomes a finger you can poke the girl with and our groom rejoices. Now he can dump his wife and live happily with Aris here. I think that's her name.
Perhaps it's easier to understand with the video.

The company that sells this product has this to say about Aris:

"2025年　拡張現実が普及した頃、時空のひずみに落ちて2008年にやってきた、VF-03メイド型電脳娘アリス。性格はのんびり屋さんで天然。
電脳メイド養成ハイスクール第弐期生。ご主人様には忠誠心が強くて。ご主人様から求められたことはなんでも一生懸命に応えようとします。
趣味は、ショッピングとファッション、そして歌って踊ること。"

Which is mostly incomprehensible gibberish to me but I do see  "2025年" which means the year 2025.

I guess she's supposed to be from 2025. That ain't that far off. We'll all be wearing wacky chrome space uggs and using laser brooms (pretty sure that's what that is) to sweep up our space dust bunnies. (But why would we use laser brooms when certainly Sir James Dyson will have invented 4 new kinds of suction by then?) And we're all neo-victorians, or at least Japan is. Guess Neal Stephenson was right.
The website also has this to say about her.

誕生日 2月14日
身長 160cm
体重 48kg
スリーサイズ B90 / W46 / H80

Born on Valentines' day, 5 foot 3, 105 lb and busty! Did I mention you can get little outfits for her?

 

The picture on the top left corner, those little cards become outfits when passed before the magic camera lens. You can see the cube and the poker there too.
Well good job Japan. Did you know that the oldest documented pornographic film was made in 1908? It was called A L'Ecu d'Or ou la bonne auberge. A scant 102 years later and look how far video smut has come. Have you heard of the Kinect? It can only get weirder.




P.S. Apparently ARis is the name of one of the companies who made this. Geisha Tokyo is the other. I don't know what this girl's name is and I don't care to know.

Thanksgiving!

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Pop Tarts!

Have you seen this pop-tart commercial?

You probably have; you might not remember it. At least one person saw it and made this:

I agree, though. A Pop-Tart is not a satisfactory breakfast. (A Toaster Strudel, maybe.)

Group Sex! Group Sex! Group Sex ! Group Sex!

I'm not really sure what to do with this. These are videos of some 500 couples going at it on a warehouse floor some in Japan, presumably.
Is this some kind of Moonie thing? I'm seeing a lot of white; is the Pana-Wave Laborotory throwing a tin-foil-lined orgy?

The shit, Japan! What is this?
You ever seen the way Asian people line up in rows in public parks, all over the place, and they all do synchronized exercises? Is it that kind of thing? Are people in Japan so uptight and busy that they can only have sex square-dancing style at a pre-scheduled time? That's fucked up!

Imagine what that room smells like. Imagine what it's like to be one of the cameramen. It's not often on a job you have to watch your step do carefully to avoid trodding on people having sex. Or maybe this is a run-of-the-mill thing with these guys. Maybe it's like Disneyland where a camera takes a picture of you on the roller coaster.

Maybe this makes perfect sense to a Japanese person. Maybe this is an ordinary thing that ordinary people do. It all raises entirely too many questions to be comfortable.

Double baseball bats!

Here is a video of a woman shoving two baseball bats into her anus. Actually, if you look close,you notice she's also shoved a baseball up there before the start of the video. Then she shoves the baseball bat up her ass. About two minutes in, she takes the bat out of her ass and into her mouth. Then at about 3:10, the baseball pops out of her and she giggles. It goes on like that.

There are entirely too many videos of women putting baseball bats into themselves. Entirely too many of those women put the bat into their asses. Is this a thing? Is it attractive to have a distended asshole? Who knows. Apparently it is, to some segment of society, and that should bother you, just a little.

Dia de los Muertos porn!

You realize necrophilia is a real thing, right? They've got porn.
Mostly necro-porn's just photoshopped pictures of regular people -- not necessarily pornographic pictures either, which I think is really the weird part.

 

Not necessarily even good photoshopping. I mean, come on, her eyes are open! Weak!

Better.
That's all pretty fucked up, but it gets weirder. There are websites where one can find morgue photos of people, famous or otherwise. To be clear: there are people out there who like to look at pictures of dead people and masturbate. (Since it's election day I'd like to remind you that all those people are allowed to vote, for some reason.)
Again, pretty fucked up, and I gotta tell you, there is some fucked up shit at these websites. I never knew what a gutted corpse looked like before I wrote this post but now I do.
As messed up as that all is, at least it's only pictures. Remember, porn isn't some frivolous perversion, it's really the only thing keeping the unwashed basement onanists of the world from actually realizing their fantasies with real people. Or murdering everyone out of frustration. Porn is Extremely Important for this reason alone.

Halloween!

Halloween is exactly the best holiday, but you don't see a lot of Halloween-themed porn. Holiday porn, in general, is pretty uncommon. I'm not really sure why.
Why is amputation fetish porn easier to find than Halloween porn? People don't like to get freaky on Halloween anymore? Plus, loose chicks always dress up in the finest bedroom-wear for Halloween. Costume parties, masks, and carte blanche to be creepy (That's the point of the holiday): these are the trappings of a fine porno.
Turns out, mostly the kind of people who make ppron for Halloween are crazy people.

People who are perhaps confused over this... concept. This... "sexy". What a strange idea...

We must test to see if she's a witch!

We shall bone her. If she drowns, she's a witch.

 OK.

 So she's getting naked to carve her pumpkin. Well, I guess that's... practical.

 What's she got there, a little clump of pumpkin goo? What's she gonna do with---

Oh I see. Moving on.

These next two actually freak me out a bit. Take a close look at her mouth.

 Braces! Orthodontics! Some people have a fetish for that kind of thing. 

This girl looks like she's 12 and some neighborhood weirdo's lured her into his "haunted house" for a "treat".

Japan hasn't produced as much Halloween smut as you'd think. Halloween's the kind of thing where I look at what Japan's done with it and I'm not sure if they're shockingly bad or just really good in a real uncanny way.

This is a Japanese product:

It's a poseable porn star action figure! He's got a little Halloween costume!

But he is not anatomically correct. Disappointing, Japan. (Though I do love that pose. Look at his face!

Not a lot of gay Halloween porn either.

 Probably for the best.

There's a few Halloween-themed porn films out there. The best one I know of's called "Night of the Giving Head". Cute, right?

The Internet's a weird place.

That's an Elder Thing doing it with a Cthulu. I think. Note the "Re-animator" poster on the wall behind them. It's funny 'cause H. P. Lovecraft wrote that story.

  

But really, all I want is some good, old-fashioned, wholesome Halloween porn. None of this weird crap.

There. Thank you. Sexy Halloween party. Black dude doing a white girl. It's a great comfort to know that some  people still make normal porn in this world.

Happy Halloween!

Spider porn!

Spiders creep me out. Don't like 'em. Apologies to William Hazlitt, but I hate them and they should be eliminated wherever possible. They are gross even when they're having sex.

See? Nasty!
I googled "spider porn". I expected I'd find some sider-themed furries and, naturally, some porn devoted to Spiderman and definitely Spidergirl. (That's a thing, right?) I found that too;

Here's a picture of Martin Scorsese's ex-wife:

And a Spanish stock photography website with a uncomfortable number of images featuring "arañas eróticos". And of course several animes:

Both of these pictures were labeled "Earth Defense Force". The EDF appears to be some kind of insect-themed kiddie brothel.

 Click though and read this one for yourself.

And a couple "Little Miss Muffet" things. I can never tell if this sort of thing is just piss-takes or if someone's actively aroused by these images. Such is the mystery of the Internet.

Mostly, though, I found this kind of thing:

That purple thing on the right's a person, presumably a man, who's been 'captured' and is about to be used as a sex object/eaten by the sexy spider-woman. This is an entirely

too

popular

 

 theme

in Internet porn. I've seen porn where people have extra legs or whatever, but this spider-woman thing seems a bit too common, you know? It's never spider-men, I might add; it's always spider ladies about to eat something.

I assume someone's getting eaten here at some point.

Have you heard of vore? Voraraephiles are people who are in to vore and that means they have persistent fantasies about being swallowed whole or in part before, during or after some no-doubt depraved sex act. So that's what we've got here. Images for people who get off to the thought of being eaten by a lady-spider. I've found written erotica too; one was about how the beautiful spider-woman bit off the dude's head after she was done with him.

It's not always the man getting eaten, though. Sometimes the spider eats a lady. Never a spider-man. Just a spider.

Anyway all that's pretty F'ed but none of it really prepared me for

.
I made the image small so you'd have to click through and see it in full size like I had to. Look at it. Look at it right in the eye. Look at it's nasty pube-hair covered head! Look at it's gross mouth as it sucks a dick! Why is the head human-skin-colored? Is this supposed to be some kind of horrible human-spider hybrid? Look at it's gross mouth again because I'm pretty sure IT'S WEARING LIPSTICK! The spider has lips!? Why does a spider need lips?
No, no. NO! This is all wrong...