Two funnies!

"Housekee—"

Cock and beans!

For reasons known only to my basal ganglia, I thought I'd Google "cock and beans" and see what came out. Mostly, recipes for cock (you know, rooster—boy chickens) and beans (you know, beans). Thankfully, one brave weirdo's out there to save us from boredom.
This video is called "cock and bean burrito masturbate".
And that is exactly what you will see. You all know how much I like a straightforward title.
There are a few things that make this video noteworthy. Here they are:

• At about 0:10 the guy whips about a tortilla with a little piece torn out so he can fit it around his cock. This guy has clearly done this before. And he's got it down to a science.
• He uses a spoon to carefully spread refried beans over every square millimeter of his penis. A spoon? What, is he afraid of getting his hands dirty?

And let's not overlook the fact that the dude's using a burrito like a fleshlight. I've had some damn fine burritos in my day, but I've never wanted to fuck one, even in my most desperate state of teenaged horniness. Of course, I like a really spicy burrito, and no-one likes hot chilies on their dic—er, ah, never mind.

!!

So I got kinda bored with this blog for a bit; took some time off. And now we're back I guess. Look forward to some weird crap, for sure.

XXXmas!

It's Christmastime! Christian symbolism syncretized with ancient pagan rituals. Yay! I hope you had a good Christmas*. I hope you dragged a dying tree corpse into your house and gussied it up like a whore. I hope you spent lots of money. I hope you ate too much. I did.
I'm kind of celebrating Xmas in phases this year. Phase one was on Christmas day and it involved a lot of food and booze. Phase two is in a couple day and it will involve family and sublimated rage.
Anyway. We've all see Christmas porn. It's pretty popular** and it's all pretty classy.

Here at Xenopornography, we eschew such cliché decorations. Let's be truly classy. On the theme of feasting, let's look at some Art.

These are paintings from the website of this woman, Monica Cook, who makes, in general, some

interesting

art.

But, like, they're pretty good paintings, right? Who says figurative painting is dead?

 It's just a little bit creepier. That's all.

What a nice family get-together.

Aww. Look she's even brought her sweet little melon baby. Isn't he cute?

Oh. Never mind.

 ART! Merry Christmahanukwanzaakkah, all!

*Alternatively, I hope you are currently having a Happy Hanukkah.
**There's even a song about some slut who wants Santa to slide down her chimney.
***Those first two images come from Japan, a nation which may not fully understand what Christmas is.

Sex toy roundup!

I know I haven't posted anything in a bit. When I've talked to my parents twice since the time I've posted anything, I know it's gone on too long. I'm cooking something up, I promise. Meanwhile, here are some strange sex toys I've some across.


Have you ever seen a sex toy what you couldn't quite figure out how you were supposed to use it? Here. Figure this out:

I'm not going to tell you yet; you'll have to scroll down.























It's called the "Woody cock ring" & you can buy it here, where there is an excellent illustrative picture of how you are to apply this toy to your penis:

Now, here's the thing, I see how it goes around the cock, alright, and I do understand how to use a cock, but I still don't really have much of a clue how you're supposed to use the Woody cock ring (bad name, right?).

In the less confusing category:

It's called the "Bible Thumper". It's sold by a company that makes Jesus-shaped dildos 'n' such (doing God's work). Here's how it works: There's a hole in the bottom of it

and you stick one of these things (which vibrate)

, called a "bullet", into that hole and then you, I don't know, rub it on your junk or some junk. Same company also makes this delightful lingam called the "shiva". Similar hole in the bottom, same concept. Potentially not entirely sacrilegious, which is disappointing.

Now look at this one:

It's called "Stumpy". It is an amputated leg with a penis attached, but I somehow think that penis doesn't always see as much action as the stump. It's made by a lovely company, from whom we'll be hearing much more in future months.

Finally, in the abject horror category:

Yuck. I don't know what it's called and I don't care.
Well, I'm going to bed.

Occupied porn!

Here's a thing. "Occupy my Throat" is a gay porn shot in a tent at Occupy Oakland. Great. Just what the world needs. You know what else the world needs? Another blog post making fun of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

I love the girl on the right edge of this picture. Look at her reaction! I can't decide if she's like "Gross! Nasty gross ginger hippy! Oh, gross!" (That's what I'm like.) or if she and her boyfriend were looking for a Tea Party rally, saw a group of idiots milling about and wandered into the wrong protest and she's like "Gross! Nasty gross homosexials!" Her boyfriend's so upset his face blurred!

We can learn a lot about the Occupy Movement from this porn. First off, you have to pay to actually see it! So much for a free, open culture jackasses.

What we've learned: Capitalism sure is fun when you're the one charging but if someone else makes a profit, that's bad.

Here is a picture of one of our stars with a sign. If you're going to do something illegal, it's usually best not to brag about it.

What we've learned: Occupiers love signs, have nothing but disdain for good typography, and have perhaps a less than total understanding of the purpose of the 5th amendment.

Hm... I'm sorry but I really find this redheaded guy super unattractive.

Yeah... gross.

What we've learned: Occupiers like neckbeards and scrawny dudes.

Alas, I do not. I think the Occupy Whatever Movement is really stupid, to be honest. But I don't want anyone to get the impression that I think the Tea Party is any less dumb. (Because we all know, in America, there are exactly two opinions you can have, and if you're not a Democrat/Occupier/Liberal you must but a Republican/Tea Partier/Neocon.)* I tried to find some Tea Party porn, but all I could really find was Sarah Palin lookalikes, and as boorish as this post has been, I simply could not bring myself to care enough to make fun of Sarah Palin any more than she already has been. I may go for low-hanging fruit on this blog pretty often but I do try to at least stick to tree fruits.
Occupiers are stupid and Teabaggers are stupid in similar, but roughly complementary, ways. At least they both like to have gay sex. (Take that Marcus Bachmann. Ba-zing!)



*I'm an Anarcho-Monarchist.

Vaginal classification!

I was going to do a post on pussy pumps, but it'll have to wait because I've found something far more interesting.

wetandpuffy.com

Aside from having the most singularly unattractive "hot" chicks I've ever seen in their header, (The one on the left who looks like she smelled something awful. Or perhaps she's upset about her terrible boob job?) wetandpuffy.com also has a convenient pussy classification system. As a gay male I'm really excited to see this, because I seriously know next to nothing about the vagina. Let's get started!

We've got three kinds of vaginas: puffy peaches,

big tacos,

and juicy cherries.

Here are W & P dot C's description of these types:

 The most common kind of pussy is what we call the Big Taco. With her outer and inner labia about equal in size, the meaty lips of these lovely ladies resembles a nice big taco begging to be devoured! Softer and larger than other varieties of pussy, the taco tends to be a little less wet but perfect for pushing your face in to savor the flavor and very durable for long fuck sessions. If you want to fuck a girl all weekend long without any soreness we recommend the big taco pussy for your continued pleasure long after other sluts might become tired.

 Hm OK. When I think "vagina" this is pretty much I imagine. These are the most boring vaginas, basically, so W&P likes to dress them up.

A festive Christmas centerpiece!

The Puffy Peach is the perfect pussy for clothed cameltoe entertainment. Large soft outer labia completely engulf the smaller labia inside and provide you with a squeezable set of lips that swell considerably with firm pressure applied to both sides. Packed inside her panties a Puffy Peach girl can really show off the swollen lips of her pussy and get a lot of attention at the beach or while wearing any kind of stretchy material. The Puffy Peach also is the best looking pussy for short fuzzy hairs which allow it to trap more of the musky scent that many enjoy.

It looks like a moldy pita bread.

 Is this attractive? I kind of get it. I mean, I guess you could day my parts get puffy when I'm aroused, but it seems like puffy giners are more often the product of mediæval looking devices than human arousal.

Ouch.

A Juicy Cherry is a very sweet pussy that has its inner lips protruding from the outer labia like a pair of cherry stems waiting to be sucked. These are very special pussies because they are rare and often require some effort by a slut to help stretch her snatch into the right shape with vaginal jewelry, weights, finger play or other sexual toys capable of helping her soft moist skin to stretch and become sensually elongated. The length allows her juices to collect and that's why a Cherry twat becomes so juicy and tasty when you lick it!

 Ewww! They look like old roast beef.

Well if I weren't gay yet some of the other weird crap they've got on this site will do the trick.

I think it was Family Guy: there was a gag where a gay dude looks as a vagina and says "Ew! It looks like a sad old man." Which is funny because it looks like a sad old man.

Look closely: braces!

A lot of women have told me that penises look weird. Well, you know what ladies? You need to get over yourselves. Every-one's parts look super weird and if I didn't feel so damn good no one would ever do it because we'd get too sidetracked laughing at each-others' parts.