XXXmas!

It's Christmastime! Christian symbolism syncretized with ancient pagan rituals. Yay! I hope you had a good Christmas*. I hope you dragged a dying tree corpse into your house and gussied it up like a whore. I hope you spent lots of money. I hope you ate too much. I did.
I'm kind of celebrating Xmas in phases this year. Phase one was on Christmas day and it involved a lot of food and booze. Phase two is in a couple day and it will involve family and sublimated rage.
Anyway. We've all see Christmas porn. It's pretty popular** and it's all pretty classy.

Here at Xenopornography, we eschew such cliché decorations. Let's be truly classy. On the theme of feasting, let's look at some Art.

These are paintings from the website of this woman, Monica Cook, who makes, in general, some

interesting

art.

But, like, they're pretty good paintings, right? Who says figurative painting is dead?

 It's just a little bit creepier. That's all.

What a nice family get-together.

Aww. Look she's even brought her sweet little melon baby. Isn't he cute?

Oh. Never mind.

 ART! Merry Christmahanukwanzaakkah, all!

*Alternatively, I hope you are currently having a Happy Hanukkah.
**There's even a song about some slut who wants Santa to slide down her chimney.
***Those first two images come from Japan, a nation which may not fully understand what Christmas is.

Sex toy roundup!

I know I haven't posted anything in a bit. When I've talked to my parents twice since the time I've posted anything, I know it's gone on too long. I'm cooking something up, I promise. Meanwhile, here are some strange sex toys I've some across.


Have you ever seen a sex toy what you couldn't quite figure out how you were supposed to use it? Here. Figure this out:

I'm not going to tell you yet; you'll have to scroll down.























It's called the "Woody cock ring" & you can buy it here, where there is an excellent illustrative picture of how you are to apply this toy to your penis:

Now, here's the thing, I see how it goes around the cock, alright, and I do understand how to use a cock, but I still don't really have much of a clue how you're supposed to use the Woody cock ring (bad name, right?).

In the less confusing category:

It's called the "Bible Thumper". It's sold by a company that makes Jesus-shaped dildos 'n' such (doing God's work). Here's how it works: There's a hole in the bottom of it

and you stick one of these things (which vibrate)

, called a "bullet", into that hole and then you, I don't know, rub it on your junk or some junk. Same company also makes this delightful lingam called the "shiva". Similar hole in the bottom, same concept. Potentially not entirely sacrilegious, which is disappointing.

Now look at this one:

It's called "Stumpy". It is an amputated leg with a penis attached, but I somehow think that penis doesn't always see as much action as the stump. It's made by a lovely company, from whom we'll be hearing much more in future months.

Finally, in the abject horror category:

Yuck. I don't know what it's called and I don't care.
Well, I'm going to bed.

Occupied porn!

Here's a thing. "Occupy my Throat" is a gay porn shot in a tent at Occupy Oakland. Great. Just what the world needs. You know what else the world needs? Another blog post making fun of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

I love the girl on the right edge of this picture. Look at her reaction! I can't decide if she's like "Gross! Nasty gross ginger hippy! Oh, gross!" (That's what I'm like.) or if she and her boyfriend were looking for a Tea Party rally, saw a group of idiots milling about and wandered into the wrong protest and she's like "Gross! Nasty gross homosexials!" Her boyfriend's so upset his face blurred!

We can learn a lot about the Occupy Movement from this porn. First off, you have to pay to actually see it! So much for a free, open culture jackasses.

What we've learned: Capitalism sure is fun when you're the one charging but if someone else makes a profit, that's bad.

Here is a picture of one of our stars with a sign. If you're going to do something illegal, it's usually best not to brag about it.

What we've learned: Occupiers love signs, have nothing but disdain for good typography, and have perhaps a less than total understanding of the purpose of the 5th amendment.

Hm... I'm sorry but I really find this redheaded guy super unattractive.

Yeah... gross.

What we've learned: Occupiers like neckbeards and scrawny dudes.

Alas, I do not. I think the Occupy Whatever Movement is really stupid, to be honest. But I don't want anyone to get the impression that I think the Tea Party is any less dumb. (Because we all know, in America, there are exactly two opinions you can have, and if you're not a Democrat/Occupier/Liberal you must but a Republican/Tea Partier/Neocon.)* I tried to find some Tea Party porn, but all I could really find was Sarah Palin lookalikes, and as boorish as this post has been, I simply could not bring myself to care enough to make fun of Sarah Palin any more than she already has been. I may go for low-hanging fruit on this blog pretty often but I do try to at least stick to tree fruits.
Occupiers are stupid and Teabaggers are stupid in similar, but roughly complementary, ways. At least they both like to have gay sex. (Take that Marcus Bachmann. Ba-zing!)



*I'm an Anarcho-Monarchist.