Russian butt ladies!

Today I got a spam email, the subject of which was "Big penis like a girl!" and a link to a webpage called "trotclap.ru", which sounds filthy. I  got another identically worded message pointing to "zipsack.ru". Nasty.
Actually, I get a lot of funny spams out of Russia. EnlargePenis.Hi writes, "It's just cool! Have a cool penis!". Thank you, I will. Another promises me a "Big Penis For 3 Months!". Only three? 3NiceEnlarge.Penis tells me "big-penis-is-like-an-expensive-car". Makes sense I guess; you can lease a car, why not a bigger penis?
I bring this up because it is funny. Now, this:

 According to the Internet, this woman and her unusual pose have started a trend among Russian Internet ladies. She posted this photo on some social networking site and it caught on. Is it her big butt? Is it her hair bump? Her Giant Eyes? No-one knows, but it's caught on.

Mostly these people have no idea how to use a camera properly. These are terrible photos.

Some of them are pretty good, to be fair. This woman clearly put some thought into framing the picture, and it shows. Interesting lighting too. Would've taken the mirror out of the shot, though. I don't know why I'm critiquing this like it's a work of art / in some circles it definitely could be.

This one looks like she's wearing a pants-hat, haha. That's a pretty decent-looking camera and yet the photo is still grainy and out-of-focus. Not the good kind of grainy and out-of-focus either. If you are going to own a nice camera you should learn how to use it. Otherwise, buy a crappy point-and-shoot like the rest of the hoi-polloi.

The two are a bachelorette party made flesh. Relaxed sexuality, cheap decorative doodads and unadvisable decisions.

This one's my favorite. (Look at the painting. Did she paint that? What's going on there?)

No, this one is my favorite. What's that kid thinking? Will this inflict some kind of strange fetish on him later in life? (Yes.) What did that lady tell him was going on? "Come khelp* mommy take picturegraph for the Yinternet, Nikolai. We are goink to get you new daddy!" I don't really think all Russians talk all silly-like but it sure is funnier if they do.
Looking back at it, I think this is a way for the boob-challenged woman to display cleavage online.  If you're not comfortable with your boobs the ass is the next roundest part of a person. These women might actually be on to something.

*That's [xεɫp] for the IPA inclined.

Day-Glo Orange Monster cock!

You know, pornblogging is only my day job; I do have a private life and I'm not ashamed to admit that I do watch porn, er, recreationally. Fact: it is supremely jarring to accidentally see something like this when you're trying to masturbate.

A man will probably click on 6 trillion porn video clips in his lifetime. They can't all be winners, I know, but this kind of thing is just too wild. Is the guy a plushy? Is he really into Sesame Street? ('Cause I'm not sure that's OK.)
I clicked on this. I'm not sure why. Some part of my mind hates me* and it willed me to look. I watched the whole video, trying to make sense out of it. I didn't. Needless to say the mood was ruined. I sure hope he washes that thing between uses.



*The part that made me eat like 1/4 of an entire cake in one sitting last Wednesday.
 

Ar porn!

Check this out!

It's a wedding photo. Yeah. That is so crazy it's racist.
Does this turn you on? You're in luck, your improbably odd fantasy can be realized through the magic of Augmented Reality.

If you haven't heard of augmented reality, I think this chart from wikipedia is very helpful.

So that's basically all you need to know. That and: Japan knows about it. Take a look at this.

 The basic idea is, you have that little cube there, and there is a different design on each side. You aim a web cam at the cube, the computer processes the video feed and superimposes a little animated virtual lady on the image. One might say it augments it. Depending on which side of the cube is facing up, the girl does different things.
You'll notice Thing here is holding a little stick with another pattern at the end of it. This becomes a finger you can poke the girl with and our groom rejoices. Now he can dump his wife and live happily with Aris here. I think that's her name.
Perhaps it's easier to understand with the video.

The company that sells this product has this to say about Aris:

"2025年　拡張現実が普及した頃、時空のひずみに落ちて2008年にやってきた、VF-03メイド型電脳娘アリス。性格はのんびり屋さんで天然。
電脳メイド養成ハイスクール第弐期生。ご主人様には忠誠心が強くて。ご主人様から求められたことはなんでも一生懸命に応えようとします。
趣味は、ショッピングとファッション、そして歌って踊ること。"

Which is mostly incomprehensible gibberish to me but I do see  "2025年" which means the year 2025.

I guess she's supposed to be from 2025. That ain't that far off. We'll all be wearing wacky chrome space uggs and using laser brooms (pretty sure that's what that is) to sweep up our space dust bunnies. (But why would we use laser brooms when certainly Sir James Dyson will have invented 4 new kinds of suction by then?) And we're all neo-victorians, or at least Japan is. Guess Neal Stephenson was right.
The website also has this to say about her.

誕生日 2月14日
身長 160cm
体重 48kg
スリーサイズ B90 / W46 / H80

Born on Valentines' day, 5 foot 3, 105 lb and busty! Did I mention you can get little outfits for her?

 

The picture on the top left corner, those little cards become outfits when passed before the magic camera lens. You can see the cube and the poker there too.
Well good job Japan. Did you know that the oldest documented pornographic film was made in 1908? It was called A L'Ecu d'Or ou la bonne auberge. A scant 102 years later and look how far video smut has come. Have you heard of the Kinect? It can only get weirder.




P.S. Apparently ARis is the name of one of the companies who made this. Geisha Tokyo is the other. I don't know what this girl's name is and I don't care to know.