Lobsterotica!

Have you seen this?
Great. Now read this:

via here.

And then look at these:

Oh and here's a picture of Lady Gaga.

Muppet porn!

I recently found out that there is a Muppet Channel on youtube. I'm not sure what I think about this, the Muppets making fun of the Internet. It's not that the videos aren't funny; a lot of them are. It's just that, my memories of the Muppets were stored in a place in my mind that didn't ever have to deal with the Internet. And now it does.
In order of increasing horror:

Lady Gaga's great.

That's actually kind of funny.

That's really not.

I couldn't find a bigger version f this one.

If you can't tell, Kermit has a boner, and he's eating frog

eggs (presumably his) and saying "Mmmmm, recursion."

"I can just taste it."

Finally, we have:

When I uploaded this picture I noticed the file name was 

"misspiggy-clean" dot whatever. That's the most misleading

file name I've seen in some time. 
All these other photos I could imagine
being for laughs. I am almost certain this one is not.

Are they furries if they only have a cell wall? Cellies? Wallies?

This charming lady's name is "Amyba". She is an amoeba. Wrap your brain around that.
I tried to find Pink Fairy Lotus, who, you'll notice, owns the copyright on the image. She (?) had a livejournal account that's been purged. I know this because I found this graphic

Notice that the goat's crying.

 

with a message telling me so. Which is pretty jarring. But not as jarring as

. That's "Germ" fucking "Amyba". At this point I want to tell you that I think "Amyba" is a great ghettobaby name.
This pic is actually a pretty good metaphor for what happens when a pathogen infects a host cell. That's what scares me. This dude (?) may have done research. He did research in biology and this is what he likes to do with his time, drawing these pictures. Hey, at least he's not killing people instead.

Here's another picture of "Germ":

Hm.

Oh and also then:

This character is "Insane Madrid". She is "Mad Cow Disease" This is an anthropomorphised representation of a boviform [not a word] representation of a prion disease. Laymen's terms: this is an extremely dangerous mutant protein drawn like a sexy cow. There are fish swimming in her body (?).
There's a quote from her creator:

"Her nipples are poking through her straitjacket, for the occasional milking (Thats some good stuff there)"

And there. I'm done.

Oh look at the--- hmm...

A lot of people would be distracted by the giant cock, but look, there are titties too.

And a vagina. Oh and it has three tails.

What is it about furries? Like, it's not weird enough to just want to fuck your stuffed animals or whatever but you gotta be into some other weird thing on top of it.

UPDATE:
Here, I found another one:

And then this:

And then:

That's just silly.

Mormon Porn

So, right off the bat I wanna show you:

When I Googled "mormon porn", I found this. Seems like "Mormons! In! Space!" is about as good a metaphor for Mormon porn as any you'll find.

Have you noticed lately that Mormons are everywhere? They all seem like pretty normal people, all things being equal, which is to say, I'm pretty sure they jack off. And this means they need porn. [1] So, what does the Porn of the Latter-Day Saints look like?
Well, pretty gay, actually. A disproportionate amount of LDS pornography is dudes. Let me be clear. If you search Google, sure: you're going to see a lot of titties because this is the Internet and you will always see a lot of titties.
But I'm talking about real By-Mormons-for-Mormons kind of stuff and as far as I can tell, homoeroticism futures are way up in Utah. I mean I googled "wet mormon pussy" and I still found pictures of dudes kissing on like the second page. "Mormon vagina" returned half-naked dudes as the second and third images! What I'm saying is, these are my kind o' people; I'm thinking of converting and moving to there. So what can their porn tell us about what I have to expect in the Beehive State?

I literally searched "straight mormon porn" and aside form a bunch of malware and ad sites I found this.

It advertises itself thusly:

The wickedly scandalous first-title is an all-male fantasy with a controversial nature, as it follows the exploits of missionaries who explore each other in new and unimagined ways after they're warned to stay away from women for a weekend ... "Latter Day Sinners" chronicles Randy and Ethan, outwardly the sons that all LDS parents dreamed of. Mom left the brothers with some clear instructions for her weekend away: Do their chores make their rounds, but most importantly, NO GIRLS... but mom never said NO GUYS!

Dang. I don't know if the -- wait did that say brothers? Two Mormon brothers are gonna have maximum cuddles with each other? Goddammit. -- Anyway. I don't know if the actors involved are actually Mormon (probably not) but still. Funny. They're working on a sequel.
Moving on.

We have this site, Mormons Exposed which you really should check out. The idea is they've got 12 young men willing to "bare their testimony" (you get to see them with their shirts off). Go the "meet the missionaries" section and click around. This all apparently got its start when the owners of the site made a calendar -- "Men on a Mission" featuring "handsome Mormon men" in "modest poses".

This is exactly the sort of thing I would ask for for Christmas because it's just too great not to own. They also have a similar project featuring "hot Mormon mothers" entitled "Hot Mormon Muffins: a Taste of Motherhood", which I'd also like for Christmas. Let it be noted, however, that the sexy man calendar was the first project. Hm.

 This is a Mormon MILF. A "MMILF"

This is what sexy looks like to Joseph Smith.

Haha just kidding. He was into 14-year-old girls. 

ALTERNATIVELY, couldn't you see Lady Gaga posing exactly like this?

Apparently the LDS church is none too happy with this, too. The guy who started this got excommunicated for it according to this article in JewishJournal.com. (Apparently the Jews keep up with that sort of thing.) He keeps going though, which is commendable.
But also these missionaries get to go to some pretty cool places. This conversion idea is looking good. The mothers don't go anywhere interesting.
Oh! and Mormons Exposed has a store where they sell an Extremely Disconcerting t-shirt what says "I'm my own Uncle". Thought I should mention that.

Finally we've got Mormonboyz.com. Probably my favorite. None of this modest shirtless crap, let's see some cock! Actually, no, most of these guys are pretty funny looking but the plus side is you get to see naughty Mormons in their magic Mormon underwear.

Again, most LDS members aren't too happy about this. They guy who made this site has gotten death threats, which is nice:

"I support free speech in the USA, but you are clearly sick. I imagine God would be pleased if I killed the creator of MBz."

 "You're despicable. Take down the site unless you want to die."

Jesus Christ. Will I get death threats if any Mormon reads my blog? I don't think I have much to worry about. Hope not anyway. I'm sure a someone wants me dead but I do not need a whole damn church after me.

One last thing. For those who don't know, Sean Cody is about as mainstream a name as you're gonna find in gay porn. Big website, lots of money, lots of cocks. Sean Cody is an actual person and a former Mormon. Done and done.

Well, maybe I won't be converting and moving to Utah anytime soon, but I still want to seduce a Mormon at least once in my life, and it's good to know that, if we are to trust their porn, I'll have no trouble at all.



P.S. Also, a lot of pictures of Taylor Lautner came up in my searches. He's not a Mormon as far as I know but Stephenie Meyer sure is. So I guess we know what she's into.



[1] This map from this study shows states' various porn subscription rates. The darker the state, the more people in it subscribe to on-line porn. This doesn't really prove that Utahns necessarily watch more porn than their neighbors, but that less of them realize that paying for porn is for chumps. Or maybe it's a weird moral thing, you know? Like, watching porn's OK but stealing it, well that's a whole 'nother animal there, Brigham Romney.[2]

[2] Mormon names are funny.

So I guess we should talk about Twilight, huh?

I mean Obviously there is porn of that, right? Well actually not all that much that I really cared to find, but I'm sure it's out there. Lotta weird crap too, though.

We've got crude drawings!

Actually that ending would've definitely made the books better.

Also, these!

No good.

We've got a gay porn spoof!

You know how in old Westerns they'd have Italian actors playing he Indians? Well, now in the more enlightened totally Not Racist 21st century, we've still got Italians playing Indians, only now they're Quileute homo-werewolves instead of Apaches murdering white women.
Also no good. The guy playing Jacob (at the bottom there) reminds me way too much of Tommy Wiseau to be attractive. (And he's Italian so you know he's got some gross European accent too.) Plus he's a were-homo.

All pretty pedestrian. We want the weird stuff and Japan delivers!

You can buy these. They are full-body pillow-men ("manillows") with the faces of the two actors scrawled on them in sharpie by some insane Japanese lady, who sells these online. This girl is clearly gonna go all kiri-kiri-kiri on some poor schmuck. What is with the Japanese and those body pillows?

Hold on there James Franco, it's only a novel.

Oh and look at these panties:

Also, did you know that in the books Jacob, the gay were-beefcake "imprints" on a baby? What does that mean? It means he "loves" that baby and I've seen enough SVU's to know that means he wants to make time with that baby like woah. If that's your thing we've got porns of that:

It's not illegal if they're both underage.

Also this:

That is goddamn hilarious.

It says "Team Jacob" at the bottom there if you couldn't make it out.

OH SHIT! This is the most fucked up thing of all!
That is a felt "model" of Bella's womb! Her!! womb!! With her little succubus inside! (She gets pregnant with a vampire baby and it almost kills her, if you didn't know.) Holy fuck!

Shit! Alright?

If you've got nothing better to do, check This out. It's a site along the lines of fmylife.com where you can talk about how, like, totally Twilight your life is. Here's a couple, but they're all great.

Today as I'm driving down the highway i do what i usually do and look at other cars. As i do this I'm thinking of how amazing it will be to see Eclipse. The first car i see is a deep blue car brand: ECLIPSE....ironic. MLIT

#27125 - Mar 20, 2010 10:02 AM by Mrs.Janelle Cullen - My Life - So twilight! (292) - Needs more twilight.. (1296)

 No. It isn't.

 Today i was coughing like crazy and my brother comes running and yells in a joking way "Do we need to get you to a doctor?!" and all i can say between coughs is "CALL CARLISLE!!!" Its funny how the first thing that comes to my mind is twilight and not OMG im choking. MLI(always)T.

At least evolution still works.

Today, when I went to work, my boss called me in her office. She then proceeded to close the door and ask why I had glitter all over my face. Turns out my wife was nicer to me this morning because I "look more like Edward." She and my daughter did this while I slept. They both love Twilight. MLIT.

GodDAMN it.

This is super useful.

As its creator says, "With mild nudity and the worst excesses of Japan both ending up in the NSFW bin, here's a modest proposal".

(From here.)
Another commenter goes on to expand the system: 

"

• NSFW4 (Cannot Unsee; 2girls1cup, swap.avi)
• NSFW3 (Standard full nudity and sex)
• NSFW2 (Classy nudes, topless, no sex)
• NSFW1 (Close but no cigar, bikini, lingerie, etc)
• SFW (Self explanatory)

     Two additions based on other suggestions:

• NSFW-G (Gore)
• NSFW-L (Language)    

"

I'll try to keep everything here NSFW2 or higher, with a healthy portion of NSFW-L, God fuck it. I'd cut back on NSFW-G if I could but that'd exclude out a great deal of Japanese porn technology, which is an injustice to my readers.

I know why you come here. Don't pretend like you don't enjoy seeing weird shit.

Portugese Playboy : Better than you'd think.

I'm sorry to admit that I really don't know all that much about Portugal, though clearly I should. Take a look at the cover for the Portuguese language edition of Playboy this month:

That's a Jesus alright. According to the Internet, Big J showed up in Playboy to honor the late Jose Saramago, a not-half-bad writer (he won the Nobel Prize in literature in 1998) who died in June. Saramago was from Portugal and if you didn't know, Spanish, Latin American and Portugese literature is just riddled with the Magical Realism and moreover the Catholicism, so Jesus tends to show up a lot, mainly just to freak you out. Saramago's work is no exception.

It's been a while since I've thumbed through a Playboy here in the US, but if this issue is any indication, Portuguese smut is a distinctly classy affair. Take for instance this riff on A Clockwork Orange, which for all I know could be from the same issue:

Nice, right? Although, now that I think about it, a sexy version of A Clockwork Orange might actually be pretty disturbing. Anyway compare that to this, a US cover:

And then, just for fun, look at this weird ass cover from Germany's Playboy, where there's some kind of Giant-lady / vehicular thing going on.

One last thing. Did you notice the nipple on the cover of Portuguese playboy? It doesn't seem fair that here in the USA, where Playboy was invented, you can't get away with that and yet in Europe -- the decaying museum of the western world that it is -- that's just fine. Goddamn Puritans.

P.S. Also, did you know "Portuguese" was spelled that way? With a "u"? I always thought it was spelled "Portugese", but I guess that spells [Por-tu-jeez], which is silly.